After we spent a whole weekend out in the cold last fall, trimming the laurels and pulling up blackberry and ivy, you had your gardener plant stupid common shrubs on OUR side of the alley without asking us, without telling us. We cleared out the English ivy that had been cascading into the alley and that you had ignored for 10 years so we could decide what to plant in the back of our yard, then suddenly there's a whole row of arborvitae in its wake.
What the fuck, Buck?
When I went to go talk to you about it, you yelled at me, telling me to pay for a property surveyor. I tried to show you government maps of our property lines, and you dismissed my concerns by waving your hand in my face, saying that "those mean nothing." I tried to leave them there for you to look at when you calmed down, and you yelled at me to pick them up and ordered me off your property. When was the last time someone ordered me off their property, I wondered. Third grade?
Dude, I think you literally scoffed at me -- if "scoffing" is a little bit like coughing, but with an arrogant little "huh" sound at the end. I asked you if you wanted your shrubs back, and you threatened to sue me. Oh, Dude. Oh, Dude, you should not have done that.
I kind of wanted to apologize. I wanted to say, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Have I done something to give you the impression that you can just fuck me the fuck over like that? Because that would be a grievous misrepresentation on my part."
But Dude, you forced my hand. I filed a complaint with the city. The city (rightfully) sided with me. You appealed. I filed a public disclosure request to get a copy of your appeal, then I submitted a two-page rebuttal (with six attachments).
It's been a very long time coming, but today I found out that the original ruling will stand, and you will be forced to remove those scummy arbovitae.
In a way, I'm glad this all happened. I used to care about your feelings, Dude, and I would have consulted you before undertaking any big backyard projects. But now I couldn't care less what you think.
So, Dude, tonight I'd like to dedicate "Friday Night" by Lily Allen to you.
There's a lesson that I want you to learn
That's if you're gonna play with fire, then you're gonna get burned
Don't try to test me 'cause you'll get a reaction
Another drink and I'm ready for action
I don't know who you think you are
But making people scared won't get you very far
Because, as the lady says, you can play this game with me, Dude, but you know you're gonna lose.